daylight
i have abruptly changed my sleep patterns, and now i live mostly by daylight. awake today before 9am, an hour virtually unknown to me a month ago, i reached the 11am hour and couldn‘t imagine what to do, all these extra hours of daylight. i threw stuff away, but not with the wrecklessness to make a difference. i screamed and pleaded with the aging canon printer to work, just work, please just fucking work you cocksucking piece of shit, please just print this one last document, a 22-page pdf of Korngold‘s 3rd Piano Sonata, please just print it, can you please do this. then i threw it away. 8 or 9 years of loyal service only to be replaced some time this week by a sexier, more functional beast. i expect to use the new printer to follow through on that spine-tinglingly trailblazingly retrospective inspiration i had last week. i don‘t know why but for some reason i thought about getting an arts grant for this project. then i said no. then i said nooooo. i feel like a project is deligitimized, neutered, made generic when it vacuums money in from the government or from restlessly wealthy philanthropists. of course i‘d feel differently if i felt i needed validation, or money, with which to move forward. i can imagine a sensibility where one feels they are holding the art world hostage, holding posterity in the lurch, while awaiting funds. no funds, no greatness of mine. immortality for a dime!
well well well. today was mostly nothing, the weather was psychotic, like a massive, earthwind-and-fire menstrual cycle. i looked out the window and saw a pile of garbage blasting from the street up to the sky. up into the corridor between 2 buildings, and among 4 or 5 buildings, blew a mess of paper plates, papers, and grocery store bags. it reminded me of a wintery day on 35th avenue, when 60mph wind gusts created all manner of cinematic spectacle on that and other avenues and boulevards. i walked down to 35th avenue and saw a large trash can, end over end, tumblingright down the middle of 35th avenue, kissing the yellow lines in the middle of the streetand lightly skipping, prancing, like a black and white sequence. a stranger and i saw this and we looked at each other in astonished aghastedness, and we laughed.
